At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
