My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
