fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
