I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
