I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
