Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
