My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
