neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
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There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
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This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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