there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
