I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.