Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
