my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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