Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
