Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
