So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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