Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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