so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I would fuck him just for his dog
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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