I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize