A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
God, I missed his penis.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
