Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
