stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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