I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
