Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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