every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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