I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
