I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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