I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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