So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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