just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
