there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
