Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
