he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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