i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
