my phone needs a breathalizer
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
