wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
