does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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