She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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