I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
false alarm. still invincible.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
OPIZZABONMYDICK
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
