and you said cock pushups were impossible
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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