Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
