But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
