y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
