Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
