I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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