wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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