he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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