I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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