College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The uberlube is also flammable
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
