there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
