Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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