My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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