I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
