I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Randomize
