Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
