please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
