i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
