We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
try to milk me bitch
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
