Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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