u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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